Yesterday, September 1, 2011 should have been my cousin, Jennifer's due date with her 5th baby, a boy named Andrew. At 17 weeks gestation Jennifer's water broke and their was no way to save the baby. After 3 days of drugs to induce labor and then to cause delivery, Andrew was delivered already gone. It was the saddest week I can remember. There were so many complications that the fact that Jennifer was able to carry him 17 weeks is amazing, but 17 weeks is not enough.
Yesterday we as a family, across the United States released balloons with notes. This release was more than just balloons, it was a release of all the anger, pain and jealousy we have been holding inside for 23 weeks. Jealousy? Yes, I admit I am jealous of Andrew, he is pain free, sitting in heaven with all of our passed family and watching us, waiting.
Yesterday was not has difficult as I had imagined, in fact it was quite easy to release that balloon. The hard part was Tuesday when I wrote the note and yesterday driving to the park and a song played on K-Love about being strong enough because God is with you and he is strong enough for both of us.
I don't talk about it much on the blog, but I am a very prayerful person. I find myself praying for the dummies on the highway every morning (better than cussing at them). This life of prayer and reflection is new for me. I recently did a bible study that encouraged constant "prayer"...more of constant communication. It has really made me think differently about my relationship with God and my savior.
As this is September 2, I move on from my day of reflection, but I wanted to put it in words for anyone and everyone to read...it's kind of therapy for me. Anyway, until next time...